Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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