Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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