Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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