My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize