Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
