i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
