phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
