My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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