Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
