I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Drunk is a universal language darling
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
