And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
