The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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