Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
