mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Ladies don't puke and tell
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
