It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
