I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
