I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
