I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
