Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
