I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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