Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
