I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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