I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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