my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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