apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
