Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
