Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
