you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
