grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
