you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
