Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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