Soap is not a condiment
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
