as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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