Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
