I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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