Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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