My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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