If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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