i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
