If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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