mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
