The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
