We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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