New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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