this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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