She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
