I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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