Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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