My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
It's blow job season.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
