dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
