i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm at about main and main street
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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