new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
