I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize