I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
