We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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