I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
