So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
