His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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