Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
