after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
